


Revelations

by HanHan_Solo156



Series: Tales from the Stadium Tour [4]
Category: Rammstein
Genre: Afterparty, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Feelings, Because the Boys Deserve It, Dancing, Dream Sequences, Drunken Confessions, Eventual Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, My Poems, Pre-concert feelings, Stadium Tour 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-01-03 02:03:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21171614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanHan_Solo156/pseuds/HanHan_Solo156
Summary: The highly anticipated Stadium Tour has finally begun and despite all the fame and success, Paul and Richard have some unsettled business together which makes it difficult to enjoy the hype.What they both need is the one last kick towards what they really want - and what else could be a more perfect setting than a tipsy afterparty?





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> I got tired of writing short stories so instead, I wanted to write something longer and continue with the Stadium Tour series. 
> 
> I tried something new in my writing and had these poems stuck in my head so I couldn't resist using them.

~***~

_My weakness, my fragility,_

_My dream, my passion,_

_My lust for life, the reason for walking on this Earth._

_You are my everything._

~***~

_The chirring of crickets and the screams of psychedelic colored paradise birds were deafening as he tried his best to proceed in the lush jungle. He was swearing at himself - why he had chosen to wear these unpractical, tight clothes again and why on earth he hadn’t taken a machete with him? Even his dreams were referring to his fashion sense and a lack of preparation for harsh conditions. Richard was still determined: in his heart, he knew that he had to continue, at any costs, even though he wasn’t sure why he was here._

_His attention was caught by a movement - an animal? No, it couldn’t be: he heard laughter so it had to be actually someone. Adrenaline rushed in his veins - he couldn’t even believe how fast he was able to run in the difficult conditions with the aid of the hormone._

_“Wait!” he shouted when he got a glimpse of a silhouette vaguely, but the figure was still too far. He took a sprint - he couldn’t afford to lose him now when he was so close._

_After wading his way through the bushes, Richard had scratches and bruises everywhere. He wondered did he got bitten by a snake as well while his left foot was swollen, but now it didn’t matter - he had something more important to think about._

_The jungle ended to a cave and on the entrance of it was the figure he’d been chasing. _

_Of course, it was him._

_“Paul, thank God you are here. What is this all about? What the hell is this lousy place anyway, let’s get out of here.”_

_The other man smirked but didn’t reply anything - he seemed like he had lost his ability to speak. Instead, he made his way to the cave._

_Richard grabbed his fellow guitarist from his arm, refusing to lose him now when he was so close. “Paul, for Christ’s sake, give me answers!” _

_But Paul shook himself out of the grip and then he was gone - vanished like in thin air. Not a single word, or any kind of hint he had even noticed that Richard had been talking to him._

_“Answers, I need answers…” Richard kept repeating. He didn’t even know what answers he wanted - it was like a fixation in his head. “I need answers…and I need you…”_

_The first dream ended, and it was followed by a brief pause - like a commercial break of his subconscious mind._

_Now he was in another setting. Once again, he didn’t have any clue what place it was exactly, but it sure was pleasant with all the palm trees on a long white beach and sun shining brightly. He knew he was looking for something, but he couldn’t put his finger on, what or who - the memories from the last dream had vanished with the commercial break._

_But he didn’t have to ponder that for very long when something caught his interest._

_When Richard came closer, he saw it more clearly what was it about: Paul was there with a company of a lot of men and to Richard’s horror, they were way younger - and in his opinion, way better looking - than him. He couldn’t help it but think that what kind of orgy was this._

_“What’s going on in here?” he asked and didn’t want to admit the twitch of jealousy in his belly._

_“Well, I’m just enjoying my life the fullest.” At least in this dream, Paul seemed to able to speak._

_“That sure looks nice,” Richard said and looked around, “can I join you?”_

_Paul glanced at the other man with narrow eyes. “No, this is my life now, you get your own,” he burst out and laughed, with unusual cruelty. “You really fucking think I’d want to spend my precious life with you? Oh, Kruspe, how naïve you really are...”_

_Richard blinked his eyes. “B-but we have known for ages… I-I thought we were friends…”_

_“In that case, I suggest you think again, you lousy example of a human being.” Paul came closer and hissed: “You repulse me… get out of my life. I don’t need you. In fact, my life is much better without you. Our friendship was the biggest mistake I ever made.”_

_Richard couldn’t believe what he heard. “W-what about all those moments we spent together? The time we…we…kissed?” _

_“Don’t you even dare to remind me of that disgusting event.” Paul turned his back, leaving Richard sobbing alone at the paradise beach. ”You can still keep dreaming on, I don’t really care!” he shouted the one last time before he was gone._

_“Don’t leave me like this…” Richard sobbed, but nobody could hear him. “I…love you.”_

The torment ended when Richard woke up to his own screaming - he thanked God that he was alone. Panting heavily on the edge of a panic attack he sat up and threw the sweaty bedsheets away. It was annoying to admit that the nightmares were back but this time, they weren’t about the tour stress - it was something more complicated.

Always when he tried to bury something unpleasant to his subconscious mind, it kept coming back whatever he tried to do.

_~***~_

_Oh how desperately I beg you,_

_To answer my call,_

_In the void of the darkest hour._

~***~

“Prost!” the six men yelled cheerfully, taking their tradition tequilas to soothe the nervousness of the upcoming concert. Sharing shots together was supposed to bring good luck - but as the legend told the luck was involved only if you remembered to look at each of your drinking buddies straight in the eyes.

But the one particular pair of eyes Richard desperately wanted to have contact with, ignored him.

“Okay, gotta keep going, we have a show to play,” Paul said and left the room in a hurry. Richard was sure that his friend suddenly turned busy on purpose because he was there.

It had become too familiar: all he had seen from Paul during recent weeks was his back, always heading somewhere.

Somewhere, where Richard wasn’t.

After all, it seemed that the stadium tour - with all its hardships and countless hours of groundwork, arguments and sleepless nights - had started out as a success. Even though performing was Richard’s natural element and he had been waiting for this eagerly, now all the fame and attention felt nonchalant - _something_ was bothering him constantly, like an itch you couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard you tried.

That something was that they hadn’t had proper communication with Paul after that one faithful night - it was already several weeks ago. Richard didn’t even dare to recall how many weeks really.

They both seemed to become masters of excuses: either they were too tired, too busy or something interrupted them when things could have had a chance to get too deep. And what was the worst, was that how evidently Paul avoided him.

_I can’t keep going on like this._

Blinking back upcoming tears Richard suddenly realized that he was the only one in the room. _Why hadn’t they say anything? _Maybe they had, but he had been so deeply in his own thoughts that he hadn’t noticed anything.

_For fuck’s sake, try to concentrate now. You have a job to do._

Forcing himself to act, Richard walked to the backstage, grabbing his instrument on the way. His bandmates were already doing their pre-concert rituals when he arrived. Till was opening his voice, isolated in the darkest corner possible. It made him lose his focus if somebody stared at his awkward humming and stretching. For everyone’s relief, Flake had finished his walk already and was for once ready on time. Usually, he tended to take a stroll just in the last minute, losing the sense of time and leading him to arrive late back to the venue - it wasn’t once or twice when the keyboardist had gotten scolding from the others. Even though how modest man Flake was, he was irreplaceable - Du hast or Sehnsucht without keyboard effects would be a disaster. Schneider was doing push-ups - he claimed that exercising helped to handle the physical symptoms of stress. Oliver seemed to be deeply in his own thoughts in a yoga pose, being the calmest of them while Paul was simply being himself, sitting on the floor and smiling - he didn’t have any specific rituals. Richard did the usual: fiddling the fretboard, repeating over and over the riffs he could play even in his dreams. Still, he had all kinds of horror scenarios in his head from a broken string to a guitar being in wrong tuning.

The nerve-wracking waiting seemed to last forever and forever but when Duo Jatekok had hit its last melodies, the roaring audience was desperately waiting to see the reason they had come to the stadium in the first place.

Till appeared from his isolation back with the others. “Okay guys, this is it then.” They formed a circle together and held hands. “Let’s hope the muse is with us tonight and let’s kick some ass - let’s show them something they’ve never seen before. And most importantly, we’ll stick together and support each other, whatever happens there.

Amen.”

“Amen,” they all replied. The atmosphere was ardent - music was indeed like a religion for them.

They placed themselves on the line which had been rehearsed probably a thousand times already. The opening was supposed to be a dramatic introduction of the band, Schneider going there first to pierce the souls of the audience with his mesmerizing bass drum.

While Richard stood right behind their drummer, breathing shallowly, out of nowhere he felt a hand squeezing his shoulder gently. “Vielen Glück.”

When he turned, he startled when he saw who it was. “Good luck to you too…Paul,” Richard replied with a slightly trembling voice and hoped it wasn’t too noticeable.

“Let’s have a hell of a show and see you on the stage.” Paul smiled so adorably that Richard’s heart melted just a tiny bit.

“Yeah, same to you….” he mumbled when the other guitarist was already back in his own place.

The focus was once again gone. Richard exhaled and closed his eyes. _Okay, now concentrate for Christ’s sake. Emotional shit can wait. Don’t let your feelings ruin your performance._ _Let’s deal with this later._

In his heart he knew that tonight, after the concert, he had to do something for this situation - it couldn’t continue like this, them both avoiding each other and just occasionally communicating awkwardly. It was far from normal when even Paul’s slightest presence alarmed him. Overanalyzing had already made him crazy.

Richard decided that tonight, he had to stop being a coward and drag Paul somewhere and _tell_ him.

But what could he say exactly? 

It was difficult to tell but at least he wished from the bottom of his heart that they could be their normal selves again if it was even possible anymore.

_I have to do it. Tonight. No lousy excuses anymore. _

Richard wasn’t sure which one was more stressing: playing a concert for thousands of people or confessing his love and longing for his long-time friend.

In this case, perhaps, the latter.

After an announcement in Spanish, the atmosphere turned serious and nobody spoke or joked anymore. Even though how many times they had done this it was always like the first time - every concert acted as it’s own and you’d never know what was going to happen. That was the scariest, yet the most fascinating part of being a musician and this was the thing Richard knew he was born to do. He was totally hooked to the feeling music was able to give him - it was like a drug, but a million times better.

He also knew that he couldn’t get rid of this group of friends he had grown so attached to during the many years spent together. His destiny was bound to them - especially to the _one _for whom he was ready to do anything. Even throw himself into a lion’s den, if necessary.

When Royal Fireworks’ last notes faded, Schneider took a step forward and raised his thumb up, turning to his bandmates the one last time_. _“Let’s give them a night of their lives,” he whispered, before entering the stage with a smirk.

Richard squeezed his guitar with sweaty hands - only a couple of seconds was left for his turn. “Please, don’t fail tonight,” he muttered at himself. _Give me strength for this and for the rest of the evening, whatever will happen, _he prayed in his mind but didn’t know to whom exactly.


	2. Inevitably Inebriated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My knowledge of the afterparty irl is limited to a couple of posts I've read on social media, so it's mostly my imagination with lots of over-dramatization. 
> 
> Brace yourselves for some awkward, drunken stuff. :'D

~***~

_No matter how hard you try to avoid,_

_It’s inescapable._

_Believe in destiny,_

_Embrace it,_

_Even uncertainty._

_Only then,_

_All that you wish for,_

_Becomes true._

~***~

“Paul, you have to help me,” Flake said in a panic and grabbed his friend’s arm. “They’re chasing me everywhere…they are like a pack of greedy wolves. What can I do?”

“Relax, they are just fans.” Even though his friend’s panic was real Paul had a hard time to hide his amusement. “After all these years, you still can’t admit that you are actually somebody’s idol?”

“I don’t really get, why. I’m far from sexy so why do they still keep bothering me like this?”

A girl with a miniskirt and a revealing top was approaching them with a bunch of her friends. Flake shrieked and crouched behind Paul, hoping that nobody would see him - on these moments, he cursed why he had to be so tall.

“What are you doing now?”

“That g-girl there,” he stuttered and pointed at her, “wanted an autograph on her boobs…”

Paul almost spit his beer to the floor when he burst out laughing. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I-I don’t understand, why they just can’t enjoy our music…can’t they go to ask Reesh, he is the expert of breasts and female organs in general…”

Mention of his fellow guitarist sent a wave of shivers to Paul, a nasty knot forming in his stomach. The feeling of his friend’s lips had been haunting him every goddamn day.

_Damn it, you treacherous body, don’t start this again, please._

Paul cleared his throat and whispered to his friend’s ear: “Just give the girl what she wants and she’ll leave you alone for the rest of the evening.” Just when he had said that the girl group - all of them drunk as lords - were in front of Paul.

“Hello, Paulie,” Flake’s number one fan said and giggled along with her friends. “Do you happen to know where is Flake, we have some unsettled business with him.”

Paul checked behind him, but couldn’t see the poor keyboardist anymore. “I have no idea. Maybe he retreated already to his dressing room, I’m afraid.”

The girls were visibly disappointed when they left for the bar counter. “Okay, thanks anyway. See you around, Paulie.”

Paul waved to them. “Yeah see you too.”

At least in Paul’s opinion, celebrating after the concert with fans was enjoyable. It kept amazing him how enthusiastic their listeners seemed to be. Today’s concert had been a huge success and the praising of the crying and screaming fans was adorably flattering. While Till and Oliver usually tried to avoid the afterparties - not because they didn’t like fans, just that they were exhausted and too introvert to join a social gathering after pushing themselves to the limits on the stage - Paul, Richard, and Schneider, and most of the time also Flake, attended every time they had a chance.

But even though trying to maintain a cheery mask, Paul wasn’t exactly in a party mood tonight. Something was bothering him behind the jolly after concert mood - and it seemed to get worse as the highest peak of ecstasy caused by the performing was slowly and steadily coming down.

And that something was casually leaning on the other side of the tight room, chatting with a bunch of fans - and how much Paul hated to admit that he was jealous when those pretty young people didn’t only talk and smile to him but were also in disturbingly close contact with their idol.

How many times Paul had dreamed that it would be only _him_ who Richard would embrace and laugh at his dry jokes a bit too loud.

_This needs to end, seriously._

After that fateful night, when he had almost called Richard to confess everything, to pour all his conflicted emotions, Paul had promised himself that he had to tell the truth as soon as possible, to ease the burden in his heart - but he had failed to keep the promise. Every morning when he had woken up self-confident and ensured himself that this was going to be _the day,_ he had always chickened out on the moment he had encountered his fellow guitarist.

And holy hell, it ate him inside.

Paul sighed, annoyed at himself once again. _Why do I have to feel like this and how do I get it out?_

As first aid, he decided to go to the dancefloor as he desperately needed a distraction from his emotions anyhow possible - even dancing along on cheesy 90’s pop publicly seemed like a brilliant idea now.

Paul didn’t even want to imagine how awkward it would be to bump into Richard, so he had to make it completely sure that the other guitarist was busy with his admirers still.

_Okay, it’s clear now, let’s blend in and forget about this._

After dancing arduously along with several songs, he came back into his old place and before he had even the slightest chance to relax, Schneider’s bleary eyes spotted him despite the protection of dim lighting. “Paulie honeyyyyy,” the drummer exclaimed while ‘Oops, I did it again’ was playing a bit too loud in the background. “Wie geht’s, mein Freund?” he asked and squeezed his friend so tight that he couldn’t breathe for a second. Schneider was the type of person who changed from “I’m not willing to show my affection to anyone” into “I love you all so much” exponentially with the percentage of alcohol in his blood.

“Gut, gut, hell of a show we had today,” Paul answered and took a sip from his mysterious bright blue drink a fan had just given him. In the middle of drinking, it came to his mind that there might have been knockout drops or something else suspicious. At least, being poisoned would be a perfect excuse for not encountering Richard tonight - not so bad after all.

“Yes, yes! We were on fire,” the drummer announced and made weird gestures with his hands. “The best band in the universe…best players ever! I love you all so much!” He gave a smooch to his friend. “Rammstein über allen!” he shouted and a bunch of fans next to them cheered.

“Yes, we were pretty good tonight,” Paul said and wiped the wet spot on his cheek.

Schneider put his hand around the guitarist and scrutinized him with blurry eyes without saying anything.

“Is there something wrong?” Paul asked when the unfocused gaze made him uneasy enough.

“I’ve…been just wondering about one thing…”

“Aha…which is…?”

“Might be just my imagination…”

“What is it?” Paul’s question had an imperative tone. _I have a bad feeling about this…_

Schneider pointed at their lead guitarist on the other side of the room and then back to Paul, with a look mixed with confusion and amusement. “What’s…going on between you two?”

_Okay, here we go then…why is he having an eagle eye suddenly?_ “What do you mean?” Paul tried his best to act stupid despite his knees got a bit weak.

“Usually, you two are inseparable and now…you are like thin air to each other.”

_Is it that visible?_ Paul gulped. “Schneider, that’s bullshit… let’s talk again when you are sober.”

“Yes, I’m not denying I might be a liiiiiittle bit wasted…” the drummer admitted and giggled like a little girl. “But…I’m not talking about what is happening now…like in general.” He looked at his friend and said with an exaggeratedly serious tone: “You might think I’m stupid but at least I’m not blind. Paulie, we all have seen it.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about now…” _“We all have seen it” what the hell?_

“You know, we have always thought with the guys that you two have something special going on…if you know what I mean,” he said with a wink which would have been hilarious if Paul wouldn’t have been so shocked now. “Don’t let him go, please. You two are inseparable.”

Then, something came to his mind and he changed from the lecturing mode into the drunken one again. ”And no need to even mention your kissing…so much passion in it, holy shit. You should do that on a real stage, imagine how both the fans and the media would be set on fire.” He pointed Paul at his chest. “And most of all, how you’d be set _on fire_.”

After a pause, when Paul thought should he just run away screaming, Schneider continued after taking a sip from his pink drink. “By the way, why haven’t you done it, are you afraid you’d faint again or what? And don’t pretend that you didn’t enjoy it, you are too obvious, mein Freund.”

It seemed like the question Paul had been afraid to answer had eventually come. “It was an act and I was just…a bit sick that day. And I thought we all agreed that it was a cheap trick to get attention, right?” _Yeah right, well done Paul, do you even believe yourself anymore?_

“Just saying this to you as a friend: don’t let him go. You two belong together. Life is too short for arguing over useless things.”

_Like I’d want to take tips for my love life from you, you lousy example of Amor… _“For Christ’s sake Schneider, neither of us is arguing…we’ve been just busy doing our own stuff, that’s it. Even though we are in the same band, Reesh has his own life and I have mine, believe it or not.”

Schneider stepped back, having a hard time to keep his balance. “Then, if you won’t do anything for it, I-I…assure, I will do something to help you.” His eyes widened and he snapped his fingers. “Actually, when you both are here, why wouldn’t I go to talk to him immediately! Christoph, you are a genius…”

All blood disappeared from Paul’s body and he started to shiver. “Schneider, that’s not really a good idea!” he shouted and tried to grab his friend but he was already taking determined steps towards Richard.

_Holy shit, what can I do now?_

Like a miracle sent from Heaven, there was a scream behind. “Look, there’s Schneider, oh my God!!!”

The drunken drummer’s attention got caught by enthusiastic fans who couldn’t keep their hands off of him. “Oh mein Gott, it’s really him! Can you come to dance with us, pleaseeee?”

Schneider turned one last time before he was dragged to the dancefloor. He pointed at his eyes and Paul’s back and forth when he said: “I’m watching you both. Don’t you dare to think I’ll let you out of this so easily.”

Paul shook his head. “Thanks for the help, but I’m perfectly fine… just concentrate on your own business. Enjoy your dancing.”

When Schneider was gone, Paul sighed and tried to calm his shaking torso down. _Shit, that was close…I need more booze now. _He couldn’t even imagine what might have happened if Schneider had actually gone to talk to Richard. What would he have said? “Hey, Paulie there is crushing hard, so can you go to kiss him now, pleaaaaseee?” _Thank Heaven’s to you, fans_, he sent his silent prayer.

After the awkward moment that had scared Paul off and making him even more cautious, the night kept going on, resembling a typical afterparty involved with dancing, drinking, chatting with fans and more drinking. Paul had made sure that he wouldn’t confront Richard and every time when there had been even the slightest risk that their eyes would meet, he had always turned to chat with fans or had acted like he was in the middle of a deep conversation with Flake - to whose relief his enthusiastic fangirl group had disappeared. And what was the best was that Schneider was too busy getting even drunker so he seemed to have forgotten his urge to help his friend in need.

_See, it wasn’t so bad after all. Well done._

But Paul didn’t have the slightest clue what destiny had planned for him when he came back from the toilet and decided to have the last drink of the night before leaving.

He knew immediately there was something fishy going on when all the people in the room seemed to be gathered in one place. Schneider ran to him. “Where the hell have you been? You have to see this!” he exclaimed and dragged his friend towards the crowd.

“Okay, interesting…” Paul muttered, confused.

Just when they got in front of the dancefloor, a classic, hypnotizing bass riff started to play and he was witnessing something which made him almost drop his beer.

His eyes widened. _It can’t fucking be…_

The whole room was set on fire when Freddie Mercury’s husky voice started to sing along with Richard’s matching dance moves.

_Steve walks warily down the street,_  
_ With the brim pulled way down low._  
_ Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet,_  
_ Machine guns ready to go._

_Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this?_

Paul gulped and squeezed his pint with both of his sweaty hands as it would miraculously save him from this torment. He surely wasn’t ready for any of this.

_Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?_

Hell. Fucking. Yes.

_Out of the doorway the bullets rip,  
To the sound of the beat._

_Another one bites the dust._

Usually, Richard was strict about not embarrassing himself publicly but right now he seemed to have forgotten everything around him - he hadn’t even noticed that all the people from the dancefloor had retreated leaving him there alone. Eyes closed, he kept lip-syncing the eccentric lyrics and moving his gorgeous posterior perfectly with the beat. All those years dedicated to music hadn’t been a waste of time: not only being a great player but apparently, Richard possessed remarkable talents in dancing as well. Paul’s eyes were glued to the sight, especially the too many belts on his pelvis - how they were so sexy even though zero practical, was the eternal question.

“Oh mein Gott, what is he doing, this is some next-level shit…Till and Ollie don’t know what they are missing!” Schneider shouted in Paul’s ear but he didn’t understand anything that the drummer had said - his senses were now totally focused on the surreal sight in front of him.

Before, Paul had never understood animals’ mating behavior: what was the purpose of birds’ mating ritual dances and all that swanking with colorful feathers? But when he, holding his breath, kept looking at the sexiest creature of his own species, it all suddenly made sense: the purpose of it was to be a proposal, to lure the dancer’s crush in and show what he could give. But instead of feathers, Richard carried unique androgynous beauty with perfectly matching dark aesthetics including carefully titivated details.

_Shit, this is way too much to bear, why he has to do this… _

Paul felt conflicted: his other half - that little what was left from rational thinking - thought that this should end immediately and he should go to sleep and forget everything - maybe tease Richard with the other guys later. But, the other - the darker one, which he didn’t want to admit even existed - had a lust for more and screamed into his ear: _Look at him,_ _it’s no questioning he is doing this only for you. Take the opportunity, drag him somewhere, tell him. You can’t even imagine what he is capable of. He is meant for you. If you lose him now, you will regret it for the rest of your life._

And what especially annoyed Paul was the tickling feeling, starting from the soles of his feet, slowly making its way up to the crotch.

_How do you think I'm going to get along,_   
_ Without you when you're gone?_   
_ You took me for everything that I had,_   
_ And kicked me out on my own._

_Are you happy, are you satisfied?_   
_ How long can you stand the heat? _

Paul felt like the lyrics told a story about his life - in reality, it was probably just a confirmation bias formed by the fragile mind but now it was totally real - and that Richard had chosen the song on purpose for some sick bantering.

He was sure that he couldn’t stand the heat for very long anymore.

_But I'm ready, yes, I'm ready for you,_  
_ I'm standing on my own two feet._  
_ Out of the doorway the bullets rip,_  
_ Repeating to the sound of the beat oh yeah._

_Another one bites the dust…_

After the last chorus, Richard’s bodily finesse was finally over, followed by the deafening roaring of the audience who was craving for more. But right here, right now, the dancer wasn’t really interested in the cheering. Panting heavily, drops of sweat glimmering on his face, he opened his eyes and looked around, searching for something.

_Don’t look here, don’t look here, please…_The roles were changed and now it was Paul who tried to hide behind Flake.

But Richard found the eyes he wanted to have contact with and waved, flashing a sweet smile.

The gesture was meant to be friendly, but Paul was so horrified that he couldn’t answer anyhow. Instead, he kept staring at the man in the spotlights like an idiot. _Oh fuck…I can’t take this anymore. What if he comes here, what can I say?_

What Paul didn’t know was that the dance was meant for him - when he had seemed to ignore Richard for the whole evening the other guitarist had decided that he had to go to the extremes to get his friend’s attention. As Richard had earlier that day made his decision and was too stubborn to break it, he was ready for anything.

_Anything_ for his Paulchen.

“I-I must go n-now,” Paul stuttered. “I-I really should go…”

Flake wondered why his friend sounded like he had seen a ghost. “Is there something wrong? I thought we were supposed to leave with the same taxi to the hotel. And it’s not so late yet, we could have another drink. And I desperately want to hear Reesh’s explanations for this.” They laughed along with Schneider for the last comment.

But Paul wasn’t in the mood of joking now. “I-I don’t know, maybe I’m a bit sick or there was s-something in the beer,” he managed to stammer. He took the last sip from his drink quickly. “Okay, see you tomorrow, it was nice to play with you today, bye.”

He disappeared in the darkness, leaving his two fellow bandmates astonished.

Schneider stared at the place that the guitarist had just left. “What happened…why…why did he leave when things started to get so juicy?”

“I have no idea. Something seemed to scare him off. To be honest, he’s been weird the whole night.”

Schneider rubbed his chin. “You know, I might have an idea what is it about…I have to tell you what happened earlier when I talked with him, it was w--” he started but was interrupted when, just a couple of seconds too late, Richard made his way through the audience to them.

“Paul was here with you, where did he go?” he asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“I dunno where did your guitar husband go,” Schneider said and they both giggled with Flake like the drummer had quipped the wittiest joke in the universe. “But you surely know how to move your ass! When we run out of ideas we just include you to the show dancing like some fucked-up Shakira.”

Annoyed at the answer, Richard took the drummer from his shoulders and looked at him straight in the eyes. This was deadly serious. “Where is he? I need to see him. Now. This is urgent.”

“Calm down, we honestly have not even the slightest idea.” Schneider shook himself off from the grip and could only wonder what this “urgency” their guitarist had, was. “He only said he doesn’t feel well and then he was gone before we could ask further.”

~***~

_Everything’s perfectly fine, just breathe Paul…just breathe…it was only your fucking friend and crush and your desire dancing sexy as fuck in front of everyone, just breathe and calm down…no big deal…you go to sleep now and tomorrow, everything is ok. You’re just a little drunk…Alles gut…_

Hiding his identity in a worn-out hoodie, Paul wandered in the alleys of Barcelona as he had decided to go to the hotel on foot. After the strange night, leading into even more stranger incidents, the fresh air was only welcoming.

He had panicked so much at the party that he had no other option than to leave without further explanations. Paul could already see Flake’s and Schneider’s curious faces in his imagination - he had to come up with some credible excuses as he was totally sure that as their first thing in the morning, his bandmates would bomb him with thousands of questions.

But right now, Paul just wanted to have his own peace and forget the extremely disturbing stuff he had witnessed. The erotic image of Richard dancing was from now on burnt into his retina perhaps forever. Paul couldn’t get why his friend had been dancing so visibly erotic. Had he had a couple of drinks too much or what on earth was going on?

_I don’t understand anything anymore, but he surely has the greatest ass in the universe, _Paul thought and blushed immediately when he realized what he had just admitted to himself - the wandering thoughts were getting more and more difficult to ignore on this stage.

After walking almost 20 minutes deeply in his messy, drunken mind Paul needed a break. He sat on the next bench he saw and tried to dig out a cigarette from his pocket - only then, he realized something.

_Oh shit, it can’t be…_

As the highest peak of the panic - caused by his sexy friend’s teasing performance - started to ease a new one appeared: he didn’t have his bag or personal belongings with him. He had rushed out from the party so swiftly that he had left everything in his dressing room, even the pack of cigarettes. It was typical for Paul to forget things while being drunk, but now it was the worst timing possible.

_Scheisse, what a perfect ending for this evening, fuck…_

For a second, he even wondered if he’d just leave all his belongings and get them tomorrow, but something inside him said that he had to get them back - if they even were in the dressing room anymore.

The only thing he could do was to head back as fast as he could and hope that he wouldn’t get lost in the messy alleyways.

~***~

Muffled sounds of funky disco music could be heard from the party still when Paul entered the dressing room. He had managed to run back there in 30 minutes, after getting a bit lost and asking a way to the stadium in his best Spanish from a random passer-by.

“Wallet, ID…everything else, but where the hell I put my phone,” he muttered himself when he had opened his bag, making sure that everything was there. The relief of finding at least his bag vanished, making its way for panic number unknown: what if somebody had stolen his phone at the party? In that case, he could only blame himself and curse why he had to be so freaking sloppy while being tipsy. _Well done Paul, well done indeed, shit._

But he didn’t have to bother the lost gadget for very long as something new occurred: the door behind him slammed close. _How great, what the hell is it now?_

Holding his breath, Paul forced himself to turn to see who could it be at this time of the day.

“Have you lost something, Paulchen?” a teasing voice of a man who was blocking the door now, asked with a phone in his hand.


	3. Hide from my burning heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This whole fic has been hands down one of the most difficult things I've ever written - what a rollercoaster of emotions...  
I've been only wondering why on earth I didn't just stay in my comfort zone, writing goofy oneshot fluff fics. But perhaps, as a writer you always want to develop yourself and try new things, even though how unpleasant it feels at first.
> 
> So, here we go.

~*******~

_You have no clue,_

_What has been written for you, my friend._

~*******~

With a trembling hand, Paul took the lost phone back, making sure that his fingers wouldn’t accidentally touch the other man’s. “Richard,” he started and cleared his throat, “what are you doing here?” He looked at the gadget in his hand. “And where did you find this?”

“I’m enjoying the remaining party and your phone was handed by a fan to me, it was on the dancefloor.” Richard grinned. “You sure are sloppy, my friend.” _And that’s one of the reasons you are so adorable. _“But why are you here? Schneider and Flake said that you disappeared from them.”

“I am going to sleep now and I’d suggest the same for you.” Paul ignored the question, gathering his belongings and didn’t look at his friend in the eyes when he announced: “So good night, see you later, and thanks for the amazing concert.”

Giving a dry, sarcastic laugh, Richard said: “We’ve known each other for so long that you should know how terrible I’m at following anyone’s commands.” He lowered his voice and added: “Even if they come from you.”

_So, what the hell is that supposed to mean? _“The party is nearly over and people will perhaps look at us a bit weirdly if we are just randomly staying here,” Paul stated. “I’m not so sure about you, but at least I’d prefer a proper bed to the benches here. Really, what are you up to?”

Richard stepped closer. “It’s funny that you asked because that is exactly the question I’d want an answer to as well.” He turned his eyes to the ground and looked suddenly timid even though he was acting witty - a way to hide his insecurity. Only a moment ago he had been dancing like a sex god in front of everyone, but now being locked in the same room with Paul made his knees weak. His drunken brain tried its best not rush things while paradoxically, he wanted to know everything immediately. He was craving for answers. _Now_. “What’s going on?”

Paul was afraid that this was going to get awkward but he couldn’t escape - Richard had blocked the door. “What do you mean? Nothing’s going on,” he said in a faked self-confident tone.

But from Richard’s eyes, it was visible that the clumsy answer didn’t please him. Without saying anything, he took Paul’s hand, pressing the wrist gently, like a detective doing an investigation. “Fascinating,” he said, eyes fixed on the hand. “What I just heard from you and what I am sensing now don’t seem to match. Not at all.”

Richard raised his head, looking now straight in Paul’s eyes - the other man displayed the face of a rabbit that had been enclosed by a fox. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I might even assume that you’re hiding something from me.”

“What are you talking about? A-as I said, n-nothing is going on…”

“Then why is your heart pounding like you would have just run a marathon even though we have been just standing here?”

_Shit. _Words could tell anything, but the physiological lie detector was ruthless. Paul had no clue how to save himself from this - he was indeed lousy at lying and Richard seemed to use the fact viciously against him. “It’s just that I’m so tired,” he tried to come up with excuses, “…okay, I admit that maybe I had a couple of drinks too much at the party as well. I… really should go to sleep. Maybe it would be better for both of us.”

“You really think so?” Richard asked, still holding Paul’s hand.

“I’m completely sure that yes...yes.”

“Very well then. But before I let you go, I just want to know one thing. Promise me to answer honestly.”

_Seriously, what is his goal with this?_ “Yes, o-of course.”

“What do you want from me?”

The painfully straightforward question came out of nowhere - Paul had been caught off-guard. He would have liked to know the answer to that as well, but instead, he just stuttered: “I-I don’t understand what you mean.”

“C’mon, you can stop your acting already.” Richard sighed. “I’ve seen how you’ve been avoiding me every day. If I annoy you or you don’t want to be around me, it’s totally fine.” He turned his head away. “Whatever it is you think of me I want to hear it straight. Just tell me and I’ll leave you alone. We’ll handle this tour together and afterward, we can keep living our own lives. It’s just that I hate this when I don’t know…what’s happening and what you are thinking. It makes me crazy.” He looked at Paul, now with glossy eyes. “In fact, I think I’m already on the edge of losing my mind because of you and I can’t stand it. Not at all.”

_Oh no._ Paul’s stomach made flips - had he really been that asshole? Had he made Richard go crazy? That sounded exaggerating. But why? “Perhaps, y-you have misunderstood something because I don’t seriously get what you’re talking about.”

Richard raised an eyebrow. “So, you think that I just made things up or what, huh? You think that I am really mad?” His voice started to get an annoyed tone.

Paul was getting slightly irritated as well as this didn’t seem to go anywhere. “It’s not what you think it is…but now it’s not the right time.” He shook his head “It’s much more complicated than you think.”

“Then, what? You think I’m so dumb that I wouldn’t understand?” Richard crossed his arms and stared at his friend. The piercing gaze made Paul even more insecure. “Tell me then, when is the right time if not now?”

In his mind, Paul had been speculating how he should encounter Richard and what he would want to say - it had been relatively easy to make a plan in the sanctuary of his mind. But of course, the reality rarely worked as you wanted. Paul almost laughed at himself - what had he been expecting? Proposing his long-time friend with a rose in his mouth, Richard answering to his call with pure delight and them both living happily ever after in a royal castle? Instead, because of postponing the inevident too long, it had ended up to this: he had upset Richard totally, and it was his fault only. _Great, how fucking great. 10 points for Landers._

It sounded like everything was starting to leak over uncontrollably like a kettle had been on a stove for too long. “Of course, you’re not dumb…I-I…just don’t know what I can say, but I am truly sorry if you think I have been an ass towards you. I haven’t meant it, honestly. Can we call it a night and talk about this as the first thing in the morning, ok? I promise.” Paul tried his best to have at least some kind of futile solution to this even though how well he knew that the words were meaningless to Richard as he always simply refused to give up - especially not now when he had finally managed to get Paul to talk to him. It was obvious that he had something on his mind and he was ready to do _anything_ to get what he wanted.

“I’m sick of waiting,” Richard muttered, clenching his fists. “Always just waiting, for fuck’s sake…” _There’s never gonna be a right moment, so whatever. _

In a need of taking more space for himself, he stepped back and saw stars dancing in front of his eyes - this time, the dizziness wasn’t only the alcohol’s fault. “I-I just…want you to know something.”

Trying his best not to freak out because of Paul’s shocked face, Richard exhaled shakily and said: “I have known something for very long - maybe since the day we met at Schneider’s parents’ place. I’m not sure, but anyway.” His breathing got shallower, and his voice started to tremble. This meant a life for him. He was determined to do this, no matter what. “I’ve been trying to avoid it, hide it somewhere. But…it just doesn’t fucking work, no matter how hard I try…” He shook his head and blinked his eyes in despair. “This load I’m carrying, it gets heavier day by day. It’s just unbearable.”

Struggling to comprehend the painfully emotional words he had just heard, Paul had frozen to his place. “I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand what you mean exactly…why…why do you feel like that? What has caused you to feel like that?”

Richard’s eyes were turned from staring at the floor back to Paul. “Because…” He knew exactly what he wanted to say but the words got stuck in his throat. Similar scenarios had been gone through in his head a thousand times, but in reality, everything had ended up being much more complex than he had ever imagined it would be.

Looking at his miserable friend, Paul was sure his heart was going to shatter in pieces soon. “Richard, you can…of course, tell me anything.” He tried to sound encouraging even though he was shaking. “Please, whatever it is, tell me. I can’t read your mind.”

Richard nodded. “I-I just hope that…that you wouldn’t hate me.”

“I’d never hate you,” Paul managed to say. “Never in this lifetime, you should know it.” _We have discussed this before so why is he again like this? What is going on?_

As nothing really mattered anymore, Richard started to sob - Paul wanted to do something, _anything, _to soothe him_._

_Oh God, what have I done to him?_ “Please, tell me,” he begged and in despair, grabbed Richard from his arms. “Please…”

After avoiding Paul’s eyes in silence, his brain screaming to flee, to save himself from the embarrassment, Richard decided to do the complete opposite.

_Fuck it, I can’t back up from this anymore._

He shook himself off from the other man’s grip and dramatically slowly, put his hand on his chest. “This…it belongs to you. Only to you.”

Paul stared at the hand, a flashback from one of their photoshoots coming to his mind - but this situation was lightyears away from the playful atmosphere of that day. “What…what do you mean exactly?” He felt like he had turned into a toddler when he was constantly asking naive questions.

Closing his eyes, Richard said with a trembling voice: “My heart and my soul…” He gulped so audibly that it sounded to his ears that the noise remained resonated in the room. “They are yours…Paul.” His voice almost broke on the last words, but still, he forced himself to focus. “Because…” He inhaled and held his breath before he burst out quickly:

“I love you.”

Awhile Richard didn’t dare to open his eyes - he wished he could stay in the sanctuary of his own head forever. Breathing had changed from an automatic reaction into something he had to concentrate on with all of his nerves so he wouldn’t faint. And as the pounding of his heart was so deafening, he was sure that the organ was soon going to burst out of his chest.

He had seen and done many things - even insane ones - but never anything like this. Nothing as powerful and embarrassing as this.

_Oh fuck, it’s done. Oh fuck, oh fuck…_

When he finally managed to force himself to open his eyes, he didn’t dare to look at Paul or say anything - their only background soundtrack was the whooshing of the air conditioning, mixed with their heavy breathing.

Paul was totally out of words now. They had been joking about Richard’s drama queening for ages with the other guys but now he felt sorry for him - he realized how strong and real these emotions were to his friend.

Most of all, Paul would have wanted to insure Richard that he wasn’t alone - not at all.

And _oh God_, how much Paul wished, craved to be able to say something, but he couldn’t do anything besides blinking his eyes. Why was he so dumb and helpless? What was so difficult in just stating the inevident: _Yes, that was exactly what I wanted to say, but you did it first, my dear._ _And I appreciate you being so brave when I couldn’t._

“And if you don’t want me, I accept it even though it would break my heart,” Richard whispered barely audible. _Which is already broken, I’m afraid, _he added mentally. “It just…needed to be said.”

If it was even possible anymore, the atmosphere got tighter - Paul kept opening and closing his mouth like a fish that had drifted to the ground, trying to catch air with its gills.

_What did I just hear? Is my imagination doing tricks here?_

_He confessed his love to me and I’m just standing here._

His mind was totally blank - he tried his best to gather coherent thoughts, basically, _any_ thoughts but his brain seemed to have taken its own vacation without permission.

_Damn it, he is waiting for you to respond. Say something for fuck’s sake! _

Decades of knowing each other, forming a bond so strong that it had been seen miles and miles away how deeply they cared about each other and now they acted like they were aliens - something had permanently changed between them, only in a couple of minutes.

Either of them didn’t know should it be considered as absolutely horrendous or fascinating - in the fragile states, they didn’t realize what kind of opportunity this was for them, to take the step forward. _Together._

After being in the tight dressing room in silence for too long Richard was sure he might have a blackout soon. From the absolute horror from Paul’s face, he was totally sure that he had gone too far. The relief of dropping his emotional load changed into distress. _How fucking great, what had you been expecting? Things don’t go like in movies. Richard, you moron._

_Now you just made things messier. You should have waited, you dumbass, this was too much way too quickly._

But at least, it was done finally - he had said what he had to. The rest wasn’t in his hands - and how impossible it was to admit for Richard who was used to be the one fully in control of everything.

_Fuck, I have failed this. _

Paul saw a quick flash of black and red leather in front of his eyes and just then, he realized what had happened - a couple of seconds too late.

His reflexes had been too slow to react when he still had had the change - instead, he just kept shouting in the void: “Warte! Come back!”

But it was useless - Richard had misinterpreted him completely and now he was gone, only God knows to where. “Come back, I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…” he repeated.

_Shit!_

Panting heavily, trying to ease the pressure on his chest, Paul was convinced that absolute panic was going to be released soon. “Shit, fuck, shit, _fuck_!” he swore out loud, almost throwing the freaking phone - which he didn’t know should it either have been thanked or cursed of setting up this whole incident - against the wall.

When he managed to sit down on the bench, holding his head with shaking hands, he tried his best to ponder how on earth he could fix this - he didn’t want Richard to hate him for the rest of their lives. The fact that his friend’s misery was only his fault broke his heart. _How could I’ve been so stupid and blind?_

_He_ was responsible for this misery.

And so, _he_ was the only one who could fix it.

Richard had been so brave tonight that Paul couldn’t even put it in words how much he adored him - how much he adored him in _everything _he did_. _There was no questioning that with every cell of his body, he loved him.

_I have to stop being a coward now. I have to show him that he is not alone._

_I don’t want to lose him - he is way too precious._

A new worry was arising._ But then, what - am I able to give him what he wants? Do I even deserve him? _It was impossible to predict. But from one thing he was sure: he was willing to try, wherever it would lead him. Or more precise, _them._

He stood up, his whole body still shaking when Schneider’s words from the party started echoing in his head:

_Don’t let him go, please. You two are inseparable._

_You two belong together. Life is too short for arguing over useless things._

And maybe the first time ever, he should start listening to their drummer’s advice.


	4. Let the chaos rule the rest

Paul tried to knock the door of Richard’s hotel room like crazy: Once. Twice. Thrice. But with no luck.

_Verdammt, Scheisse_! _I should have been much faster._ He had been half running, half jogging to their hotel trying to ponder what he could say - but all of what he had been trying to come up with sounded either too cheesy or flat so he was afraid that he would end up making his friend even more upset.

_Sorry for being an ass, but there’s an explanation for all of this. I love you too. _Paul didn’t get what was so difficult in stating those four simple words out loud especially now when he had heard them from Richard. He was scared of something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Maybe it was the fact that they were so close friends that he was frightened that these strong emotions would eventually ruin everything they had been building up for ages.

And Paul was going to do everything to avoid that - Richard was too precious for him to be lost.

“Richard, please, let me in!” he yelled and banged the door. “I’m so sorry, but we can solve this if you just let me a chance to speak! Please…” 

Despite his best effort, nothing took an effect. Paul hoped from the bottom of his heart to get any kind of response - even “fuck you, get out” would have been good enough to ensure that Richard was at least there. Paul wondered should he in the desperation send a message or call him - but how stupid that would be as they were so close to each other now but couldn’t communicate still.

He waited for a while but when nothing happened he had to give up eventually. _Maybe he is already asleep._ _Shit, I was too late_!

The opportunity had flown through his fingers like sand in an hourglass.

Beaten and disappointed at himself, Paul turned his back and headed for his own room. He knew it was going to be a long night, most likely consisting of shifting in his bed alone as sleeping was going to be close to impossible. Luckily, there wasn’t going to be a concert tomorrow so his plan was to avoid everyone the whole day and pout in his own peace.

But his plans were going to be out of the question as the night was far from being over.

When Paul was already half of the corridor and had pushed the button of the elevator, he heard a squeak - a door opened. At first, he was sure it was just his ears doing tricks.

_I just should take my head from the clouds and admit the reality. Try to sleep and figure this mess out later._

But when a forceful instinct kept telling him that he should take a look, he turned right before the elevator arrived at his floor. When he saw whose door was opened, he forgot all his former plans and with his legs functioning in automation, he ran back as fast as he could. He didn’t care at all how ridiculous it must have looked.

Richard was now by his door, looking more miserable than before: his eyes were red and swollen and even though he was normally pedantic with his looks, this time he hadn’t bothered to even wash the make-up from the show. Basically, only things he’d been doing after he had managed to get into his hotel room were crying, insulting himself and smoking.

Neither of them said anything when Paul stepped in - he was afraid that Richard might kick him out shortly so he had to be quick.

Paul tried to catch his friend’s eyes but he was avoiding the gaze. They were so full of misery and embarrassment that it was painful to witness.

_Oh shit, he looks terrible. What on earth could I say? _All the things Paul had been thinking on his way had died out when he saw his friend’s state in reality.

Richard broke the awkward silence as he was aware that Paul had lost his ability to speak tonight. “Look, I know very well how I embarrassed both myself and you, and I apologize, let’s pretend this never happened. End of discussion.” Hiding his fragility, he tried to sound irritated - and he was irritated indeed, but mostly to himself and his rushed actions. “Gute Nacht und schalf gut.”

Gotten already this far, Paul simply refused to give up. Gathering the shattered pieces of his nonexistent courage he burst out: “Wait, I need to say something!”

Richard raised an eyebrow. _So, now he is suddenly willing to speak? What is he up to? _The other half of Richard wanted to let his friend stay and listen to what he was going to say while the other had already lost its hope that this would never be solved - it was already embarrassing enough. “There are no words to be said anymore. Forget all of this, maybe it’s better to just ignore the…incident. Just promise me you won’t tell anything about this to the others, ok? Goodbye,” he stated leading Paul back to the door.

In his head, Paul felt a heavy throbbing like a team of blacksmiths were hammering his skull. His central nervous system was working as hard as it could to comprehend all of this, to find a solution on how to resolve the mess he had caused - and it didn’t matter was the conclusion going to be good or bad. Just something else than bare staring or stuttering he had been doing the whole evening.

With all of the strength that was left, Paul grabbed the doorframes like it was his last lifeline. “Please, give me a chance to explain!” His voice was getting louder. “You are making your own assumptions and not even letting me speak out!”

Richard had been trying to be polite but he was losing it. “What needs to be explained anymore? Just fucking nothing! All is lost already!” He yelled and didn’t care at all what the other guests in the hotel must be thinking about their relationship argument. “I know very well what I have done, I don’t need your presence to remind me of how I’ve embarrassed myself totally. Just leave, for both of our sakes!” He half yelled, half sobbed. “Leave me alone!”

“Richard, you can’t be serious! I don’t want you to feel shit, that’s the last thing in the world…it’s not you who have failed, not at all.” Paul knew how his friend was always the one blaming himself for everything. “Give me a chance, please.”

Richard’s eyes were so fierce that for a second Paul wondered would it be possible to pierce a soul with that gaze. “Now it’s me who is not understanding anything anymore.” He pointed at the other man. “You abandoned me and now you are seeking some kind of salvation from me or what? I don’t get it! Maybe you are right and I’m so dumb as you have always thought me to be!”

“I never abandoned you, you have misunderstood everything because you are not even listening to what I want to say! And I don’t consider you dumb, don’t you even dare to claim that.” Paul shook his head and muttered: “This is just going in fucking circles if we don’t stop it…this doesn’t make any sense.”

“Why my feelings suddenly started to matter to you, huh?” Richard asked through his sobs. “Why in the hell you are suddenly acting like I matter to you even though I’ve been like thin air to you for so long! You have no idea what I’ve been going through lately…”

_Shit, this really isn’t going anywhere. _Paul sighed in despair. “You have always mattered to me.” He looked straight at Richard. “Always. It hasn’t changed and never will.” Whispering, he added: “And oh boy, if you would even know how much I’ve suffered…you have no idea, mein Freund.”

“Then why in the bloody hell you abandoned me?” Richard clenched his teeth and hissed: “Why did you do that!”

“Can we at least talk like normal people?” Paul raised his hand in annoyance, like giving a signal that this was enough already. “Can we talk like adults and not just keep shouting at each other?”

“No!” Richard stated self-confidentially. Whatever the situation was, he always thought he had the right to be the dramatic one. “Either you give me an answer or you go. Forget it all. Tomorrow we act like nothing happened, we’ll continue normally. The last thing I want is the other guys asking questions about anything between us.”

Paul shivered a bit when he realized that he didn’t possess any words that could soothe the situation._ Oh fuck, he can’t be serious…what am I gonna do now?_

_Think Paul, think…_

Something spontaneous came to his mind. When verbalism didn’t seem to convince his friend he had to try some other communication form - something more primitive yet powerful.

_Fine then. If you are not willing to talk like grown-ups, I have to use cheap tricks instead. Just because you asked for this. _

With the courage given by the alcohol and adrenaline, Paul moved from the door, took Richard from his arms and pushed him against the wall, pinning him there. He looked at his friend’s perplexed eyes - the roles had changed and now it was Richard who resembled a scared rabbit.

“W-what are you d-doing?” Richard stuttered. “L-let me go!”

“It’s your turn to listen to me now.” Paul had an intense look in his eyes, full of determination - something Richard had never seen before in him. “In fact, I should have done this already ages ago.”

“Do what?” Richard panted. “Paul, just please stop this…I…I…beg you.” Tears were pouring from his eyes as the anger was turning into painful sadness again. “We are too drunk and shouldn’t continue this anymore. I have failed, I admit, just…I don’t want to lose you, but I have no choice anymore.”

Paul raised his trembling hand and wiped the tears from Richard’s cheeks. “As you are not willing to listen, I’m sorry, but I’m forced to do this, my friend.” He glimpsed Richard’s lips quickly and gulped.

When Paul leaned closer, he stopped for a nanosecond. He was totally sure what he was going to do - what he _had to_ do.

_If this is not gonna get his attention then nothing will._

So closing his eyes, Paul pressed his lips gently against Richard’s. This time, the kissing was far from being banter - it was a desperate act of releasing pure, raw emotions.

Immediately, not even realizing what was really happening, a muffled frantic sigh came out of Richard’s mouth. He was still annoyed and would have wanted to push Paul away, but it was impossible to resist. His mind was warning him that maybe this was just some kind of sick mocking and he was too weak to say no - but how could he when the thing he had been dreaming of for so long had magically turned out to be true? He was sure he had lost all of his pride, all of what was left from the arrogant mask he had been hiding behind for too long.

Paul’s original idea had been to give a quick tender smooch hoping to be able to stop Richard from shouting to him and talk some sense to this situation. It seemed like though it had changed as Richard’s delicate vocalizations set Paul’s inner passion on fire. The frontal brain, responsible for rational thinking and planning, was now shut down, welcoming the more primitive parts - the ones with love, longing, and desire.

So, when Paul let the insolent courage take him over and without any delicacy anymore intruded Richard’s mouth with his tongue, he was totally dazed to be answered without any hesitation.

Richard had _accepted_ him. _Oh mein Gott. _

The time and space disappeared around them. They had been craving for proximity from each other for ages and now, when it had finally become true, it felt like coming back home after a long and painful hike. Neither of them couldn’t describe their feelings anyhow coherently: they contained mixtures of longing, melancholy, seasoned with desire and human beings’ most basic need: to be loved and accepted.

To belong to _someone._

When it was technically impossible to breathe properly anymore, even Paul’s messy mind forced him to withdraw. He tried his best not to look at Richard’s wet lips which were only his fault.

The thing Paul didn’t want to accept was how _hot_ the other man looked now when he had dropped his shield and was being just frankly himself - how flattering it felt that Richard was able to be vulnerable. In fact, Paul was the only one honored to be accepted to see him this sensitive.

Richard stared at Paul with wide eyes, panting heavily when either of them couldn’t say anything. At the same time paradoxically he wanted, _needed_, more intimacy while on the other hand, Richard was afraid that if he let this continue, they both would regret it later. What if this was just a way to use each other for releasing the loneliness and longing, with the aid of the loosened mindset created by the alcohol?

What was going to happen next? Had they gone too far already? It was definitely far from normal to do French kissing with your best friend. Had they already crossed some unspoken, forbidden border?

And Richard was scared out of his wits that he would be out of control soon - and what the consequences would be then?

Like answering Richard’s thoughts, Paul was the first to say something: “I know what I want. I’ve known for so long, but I’ve been just a coward...” He shook his head. “I honestly don’t know why I have been so blind.” He positioned his hand on Richard’s chest and took his friend’s hand to his own chest. “I want _you_. In fact, I need you so badly it hurts. It’s underestimating to call you just a friend…I…know that there’s something more.” His voice broke a bit, but he continued:

“My heart and soul belong to you and if you accept them, I’m yours. Yours only.”

All Richard could do was to blink his eyes in confusion. “W-what did you just say?”

“Just that….” Paul started and squeezed Richard’s hand, “I love you too, mein Liebling.” He smiled and looked straight at Richard with glossy eyes. “I love you so much. That is what I needed to say but I… just couldn’t earlier. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. You are much braver than me.”

_This…this can’t be true._ Richard let out a gasp and the annoying pressure started to come back to his eyes. “I-I….don't u-understand…” he stuttered. “I-I…it’s impossible, what…what do you mean, what is h-happening?”

“We can’t control everything…we just have to keep trusting each other,” Paul answered. He didn’t linger for any longer - he dragged Richard back to his lips. _Enough talking, I need more of this. More of you._

It was inevitable that more tongues were involved as the kissing got fiercely passionate on the second round. In fact, they started to get hungrier with each other now when they both had dropped the heavy load: no more misunderstandings, no more speculations. Just concentrating on the most important things: pure feelings.

Abruptly, when they had already had a good start and Richard felt like he could stay like this forever, Paul withdrew from the kiss. Richard raised an eyebrow immediately. “Is there something wrong?” he breathed slightly concerned.

Shaking his head Paul took Richard’s hand and said with a husky voice: “Follow me.” No further explanations.

The act sent shivers down on Richard’s spine. _What is going on?_ He felt like he wasn’t in any control anymore - technically, he was on Paul’s mercy and could only meekly follow. He constantly felt the nagging voice inside him: _Is this too soon? Should you still talk a bit more?_ Bodies had taken control over their minds and Richard couldn’t help that even though how much he enjoyed this, how much he _craved_ for this intimacy, something wasn’t right.

When Richard realized that Paul was leading him to the bed, he was totally sure that this was it, there wasn’t any backing up anymore. It was at the same time horrifying as the hell itself and so tempting - Paul’s brand-new self-confident was irresistible. Was he even being his own self anymore? How familiar he felt, yet so exotic. It was inescapable: a brand new expedition was waiting for them.

But as with every adventure, things could either go perfectly or perfectly wrong. Only a tiny step to the wrong path could ruin everything that had been built up.

~***~

_Chaos and desire,_

_Can you tell me,_

_Is there really any difference in the end?_

~***~


	5. What is left of us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took forever, but FINALLY, it is here!  
Only one chapter to go after this and then I'm sad to announce that it's time to end the series. :( I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go yet, but it has to be done at some point.
> 
> Small warnings for coarse language and slight sexual stuff happening.

Dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin and a hint of testosterone for spicing things up - the chemical compounds of the intricate emotion called love.

But the complexity of the chemicals in his body was the last thing that flashed in Richard’s mind when Paul dragged him by his hand to the huge bed and overthrew him there.

As they had managed to drop the oppressive confessions from their chests, the former uncertainty had been pushed away, now replaced by desire. Both of their minds were full of each other - the scents, the tastes and how they felt in each other’s touch. _ Everything. _

Without explaining his intentions anyhow, Paul sat on Richard’s belly and scrutinized the other man with pupils widened by lust. Even though how much it sent thrilling sensations, Richard couldn’t help that it was slightly intimidating - he had never seen Paul this ruthless. He looked like he knew exactly what he wanted and was ready to do anything to reach his goal.

And as expected, Paul wasn’t content with only looking at his prey: he wanted to _ feel _ him with all senses. Slowly, but self-confidently he made his way to lay on top of Richard, pressing him against the mattress with his body. Without managing to control it, a loud moan escaped from Richard when Paul started to nibble his ear.

_ Holy motherfucking shit, what is he doing? This is illegal_… Richard kept thinking. _ He is fucking illegal if he keeps doing this. _

With his tongue Paul left a wet trail on Richard’s jawline, getting eventually down to his lower lip which he didn’t hesitate to bite. All Richard could do was to meekly accept the hungry, wet kisses which had a taste of blood when Paul had pecked the lip a bit too harshly.

At the same time when Paul was still being busy with Richard’s mouth, insidiously, he slid his hand under the tight shirt of the other man and caressed the bare skin with dexterous fingers, trained by years of playing the guitar.

_ Fuck. Fuck. What is he doing? This is way too much. _ Richard felt like Paul knew exactly from which strings he should pull to get his companion to surrender.

Richard knew that as soon as possible he had to make a decision: whether he should let Paul continue this - a tempting option, as his crotch was already set on fire - or end this before it would go too far. The man on top of him wasn’t the one he had grown to know by all these years and it made him uneasy. What was happening to them? Had they crossed too many borders already?

How this could be stopped when it felt so _ heavenly _ , yet so _ filthy _ at the same time?

Or more relevantly, did Richard genuinely even _ wanted _ to stop this?

Two imaginative creatures were sitting on his shoulders, both of them giving contradictory instructions on what to do.

_ Just let it go _ , the evil one started. _ You want this so fucking badly - in fact, you need this. You have been dreaming of this forever so what’s the big deal? _ At the same time, more than suitably, Paul had found the weak spot, the nipple, which he squeezed, sending a torrent of pleasure piercing Richard’s whole body like a thunderbolt.

_ Y-you should still consider this_, said the other voice, weak and stuttering. _ You are now just listening to your instincts more than your mind. Richard, this is not what you want: you promised yourself that one night stands, only for fulfilling your desires, are over. Paul is more than just another fuck to fulfill your inner emptiness. _

_ There is time and place for everything, but please, don’t do this. _

But the evil one was stubborn. _ Who even cares? Let it go, release yourself! You can deal with emotions and other useless shit later. Talking is overrated. More actions! _

_ But you don’t even know what you want yet! This is too much too quickly, you can’t have the whole package at once! _ The meek voice had been building up its courage. _ You are hurting both Paul and yourself with letting this continue. Making him miserable is the last thing you want! _

_ Coward! You are just a fucking loser_, the evil voice hissed, pure venom in its voice. It was getting anxious when it didn’t have full control. _ Just accept your destiny and enjoy this while you still can. _

_ In the end, you are just another fuck to him. What were you even thinking? Nobody loves you. _

How schizophrenic. What should he listen to now?

Richard had no idea how he should proceed. All his life he had been fighting back the accusing voices, constantly reminding him how big failure he was.

_ I wouldn’t have ever imagined this to happen. Holy shit. What am I gonna do? _

Even though Richard was mentally miles away, deep in his thoughts, it didn’t stop Paul from rolling his shirt up, more than ready to strip him. And what was even worse, he licked and nibbled the weak spot, that _ fucking _ nipple - the sensation was out of this world. Stars were dancing in front of Richard’s eyes: it was like being high, but much better than any drug on this planet. If not earlier, now the infamous _ something _ inside Richard’s tight pants was desperately wanting to get out to perform the act it was made for.

And while they had been rubbing each other closely, it didn’t help that Richard could feel that it was not only him who was hard - the organ, that could be playfully called “a man’s brain”, had taken the lead from Paul as well.

Richard knew he had to act before it was too late. He was the one who had to stop this before they would end up doing something stupid that both of them would regret later.

Paul moved his trembling hand down from Richard’s nipple and stopped right before he reached the strategic part. “I want you. Now,” he whispered with a husky voice. “How do I have a feeling that I’m not alone?” Then, he positioned his hand on Richard’s member and squeezed it. The only thing that was separating the hand from the organ was a thin layer of fabric - but not for too long. “What are we waiting for?” Paul asked and looked at the man underneath him with curious eyes, desperately waiting for an answer.

Richard wanted to scream his lungs out, but nothing came out.

_ Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh FUCK! _

He was convinced that this was it - he was done now. God help him in his misery.

_That’s the spirit _ , the sly voice in his ear kept whispering. _ Let it go, you pathetic slut._

But the other, fainting voice, still tried to talk sense. _ Richard, please, you are not this kind of man! You are better than this! You can fight back your primitive instincts - don’t do anything stupid now. _

Letting out a shaky sigh, trying desperately to ignore the other man’s touch in his private parts, Richard closed his eyes.

_ I have to do something. If I let him continue, we both will regret it later. _

With the last leftovers of his willpower, Richard mumbled with a trembling voice: ”Paul, m-maybe this is too much…”

His voice was so faint that it was not a surprise that he didn’t get any answer. With his eyes barely open, Paul kept sucking Richard’s neck, caressing the hard member still with his hand. He was way out of this world - hypnotized by lust.

_ I. Can’t. Do. This. It’s just too fucking much. _

Richard cleared his throat and tried to form something more coherent this time. Gathering all of the residuals of his strength, he shouted as loud as he could:

“PAUL, STOP, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” He looked straight at Paul’s eyes and added: “STOP IT. NOW!” He panted and tears started to gather into his eyes. “I just…don't want to do this. Please…stop.”

Even though he sounded agitated, Richard wasn’t really angry at Paul: it was just that he didn’t want to rush and ruin everything that had been built up for so long between them - not just because of treacherous bodies and minds tried to lure them into fleshy pleasures.

This time, he didn’t want to give in to the tempting quick fix for all the painful emotions they both shared. What Richard wanted - had been craving his whole life - was to be loved and accepted as a whole person. The first time in ever, Richard wanted to sit down and talk about how he felt, and what they had been going through: to get to know each other properly, what they wanted from each other. He was more than tired of being lead by his desires, always ending up just hurting everybody.

At all costs, he wanted to avoid hurting Paul’s feelings.

Still sitting on Richard’s belly and looking at his friend’s utterly terrified face, something snapped in Paul’s head when he came into realization what he had been doing.

_ Oh my fucking shit of a fucking son of a bitch, are you out of your mind? _

His former sly grin slowly changed into a face of complete horror.

_ I almost forced him to have sex with me. What the fuck were you thinking, Paul, you dumbass! _

A hot fuss rushed through his body from head to toe and he started shaking. Inside his mind, Paul cursed the primitive feelings which had lurked him to this.

_ Fucking fuck! _

Like a spring, Paul bounced from on top of Richard. In any other situation, it would have looked goofy but this was lightyears from being funny. From the bottom of his heart, Paul loathed and despised himself for being too greedy too soon.

_ Of course, he is not ready for this, you moron. Neither of you are. _

_ Great, just fucking great. Scheisse! _

Rushing to the bathroom, Paul slammed the door behind him, leaving confused Richard alone, who was still lying on the bed.

Richard sighed: this had become way too familiar tonight - them both misunderstanding each other and acting childishly.

Luckily, Paul hadn’t locked the door so Richard broke easily in the room. There he saw Paul sobbing in the corner, banging his head on the wall, cursing in silence.

Without announcing his arrival anyhow, Richard wrapped his arms around the other man, but he got shaken off fiercely. “For fuck’s sake, let go of me!” Paul shouted. “Go away, I want to be alone!”

Richard didn’t listen to him. “Hey, it’s ok, everything’s totally fine…” he whispered and almost forcefully entwined his arms around Paul’s waist. “It’s ok, calm down…”

“I-I’m a horrible person,” Paul sobbed shakily and shook his head. “I don’t even deserve you, I’m..I’m so fucking terrible. I hate myself!”

Richard sighed. “You’re the furthest from a horrible person who I know. Let me explain -“

“I-I can’t believe what I was almost doing to you…” Paul interrupted. “Forcing you to have sex with me and the disgusted look on your face…” It was terrifyingly surreal to even think about it. “I…I can’t believe it, I got out of control so suddenly.” Then, he lowered his voice and added: “I’m afraid of myself if I’m capable of doing that to you.”

“You have no reason to be,” Richard said firmly and squeezed Paul tighter. “Just to let you know, I was as willing in our…activity as you. You didn’t force me to do anything. I just felt that for both of our sakes I had to stop it. I’m sorry I had to shout to you, but that was the only way to get your attention.” He rested his head on Paul’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “You can’t even imagine how close I was just letting it go. Hell, I would let you do anything to me.”

Paul started shaking when he heard the words of the other man. “W-why?”

“Just because I trust you and I could count on my whole life into your hands.”

“B-but, I…that doesn’t make any sense…” Paul stuttered and gulped, “I just felt like…I wanted to fulfill my sexual needs and…I fucking hate that idea. I don’t want to be a man like that, I just don’t want…I have no idea what happened to me like I wasn’t being myself anymore and it scares the hell out of me….” His voice broke when he added: “What if I lose control again? What if I’m gonna hurt you?” The thought made all the blood disappear from his body. _ And worst of all, what if I lose you?_

“Does it really even matter what might have happened?” Richard whispered right next to Paul’s ear. “We are here now, in one piece. Everything is okay. We should stop constantly accusing each other from the things we cannot control.” After a brief pause, he added: “Instead of this useless angst, should we just enjoy what we have?”

On the other hand, Paul would have wanted to push Richard away - he was acting way too sweet after the horrible things that had been escalating only minutes ago - while on the other, he just wanted to stay in his arms forever.

“It’s not that I don’t want you,” Richard said so silently it could barely be heard, “I was on the edge of losing it. To surrender to you. You have no idea how much I would have wanted it…but…” He stopped for a while.

“Just that…” Richard continued and tried to think what he wanted to say next so he wouldn’t make Paul more upset. “Maybe it’s better that we are not rushing things now while it’s messy enough already, to be honest.” He pressed a tiny kiss on Paul’s cheek. “There is a time and place for everything, but perhaps, now it’s not the right moment for the...thing we almost did. We are still too confused so maybe we shouldn’t do anything irreversible if we are not sure about it.”

Paul sighed and shook his head. “I just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

Turning to face Richard, Paul made it clear: “That I was being an asshole, rushing things too eagerly and you can still be so acceptable.” He looked at the other man with sad, yet gentle eyes. “You are just too good to be true, Reesh.”

Richard smiled - a rare sight tonight - which send a wave of relief for Paul. “I have said it a thousand times but will say it again: you are far from being an asshole.” He looked at the other man with concerned eyes. “Promise me that you will stop blaming yourself. It’s useless and it hurts me. We are both in this bizarre turmoil equally.”

“I’m afraid that I’d just make you…distressed with my presence. That you would hate me,” Paul managed to say and burst out crying.

Without saying anything, Richard tightened their embrace.

“Fuck…I’m so sorry…” Paul mumbled to Richard’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry for everything I have done to make you sad. I...I just want you to have a happy life, you deserve it.”

Stroking Paul’s head, Richard muttered: “Thank you for your kind words. You have no reason to apologize.” He cupped Paul’s cheeks and looked at him with glossy eyes. “But do you know what?”

Paul kept staring at the other man, baffled.

“My life will be happy only if you are involved. I…just can’t live without you,” Richard stated, more than sure about it. “I…adore you too much. Please, don’t you dare to leave me. Never.”

“If that is what you want, of course, I won’t,” Paul said. He wanted to keep his promise. “I…I..” he stuttered before he managed to continue, “I’m fond of you as well. I can’t even imagine how my life would be without you.”

They kept hugging each other, the only sound being their quiet sobbing. So many feelings - horrifyingly sensitive ones - had been shared and revealed tonight and while it was scary as hell, they both wanted to admit that they just couldn’t let go of each other - never again.

Eventually, even though how much he enjoyed their proximity, Paul had to withdraw from the embrace hesitantly as he didn’t want to ruin Richard’s shirt with his tears and snot. “Es tut mir leid,” he said and took a step back to blow his nose. This all was way too much to comprehend still and he was sure that soon he would wake up and realize that this all had been only a dream.

When he was done, sighing heavily and squeezing the bunch of paper in his hand, Paul sat on the floor - the exhaustion had finally gotten him. “Maybe it’s time for me to go. It’s pretty fucking late already.”

“Time to go to where exactly?”

Paul snorted. “What do you usually think people do at this time of the day?”

Richard rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I get it, but why do you sound like you have to leave somewhere?"

“I’m going to go to sleep in my room, is that articulated enough?”

“I’m afraid that’s out of question, mein Liebling,” Richard said and sat down next to the other man. He took Paul’s hand, caressing it and smiled shyly. “What if the case is that…I’m not willing to let you go?”

“So, you mean I should stay awake in your bathroom for the rest of the night or what? The floor is pretty damn cold.”

“Of course not, you silly,” Richard stated and turned his eyes from the hand to stare at the wall in front of them. “I was just about to say that you…can sleep in my room.” He let out a nervous laughter. “In case you want, of course.”

Paul blinked his eyes. _ Did I hear correctly? _ “R-really?”

“In fact…” Richard started shyly, “I’d love it if you stayed.”

“You are not...afraid what might happen?”

Richard turned his eyes to Paul. “As I said, I trust you, so of course I’m not afraid of you. Besides, we are tired as shit, we both deserve sleep.” He lowered his voice and added: “And to be honest, I just hate to sleep alone in these hollow hotel rooms.”

Paul tried to comprehend what he had just heard: Richard was offering him to stay over at his room, most likely to sleep right next to him, so it seemed like he had apologized for Paul’s greedy behavior already.

_ Oh shit, how much I love him. He is just too sweet to be true. _

When there was no answer, Richard got concerned. “Sorry, if it’s too much, of course, you can go to your room and we’ll see in the morning.”

“It’s not too much,” Paul said and shook his head. “I’d love to stay. Really. I agree with you that staying alone in hotel rooms during tours is goddamn dull, so your company is more than welcome.”

“Lovely to hear,” Richard said, a tiny smile forming on his face.

Paul stood up. “I’ll just quickly gather my things from my room and will be back in a minute, ok?”

“Of course, just take your time.”

Before Paul left they shared a quick smooch and Richard went back to the bed. Staring at the ceiling, his head swirled with thoughts.

He felt ambivalent: of course, he was excited and happy that the response had been positive in the end, despite all the angst and confusion involved. In his worst fears, he had heard Paul saying: _“I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t see you that way.”_ And holy hell, how that would have shattered Richard’s already weak heart into pieces.

Would the rejection have been the end of the band as its worst? Perhaps, because it would have been impossible for Richard to act normally around the other guitarist who sent shivers down his spine even just by existing - for just being his adorable self.

What bothered Richard the most was the thought of what was going to happen next - usually, he had control in everything, but now he had to admit that he didn’t have any clue about where this would lead them. How this might affect the band dynamics as it’s always been said that it’s a mistake to fall in love with your colleague?

_ Crap, we might have some explaining to do in the morning as we can’t avoid the other guys forever. Oh well, better to tell them as soon as possible. _

Right here, right now, Richard decided not to care. Maybe he should just start listening to what people had tried to say to him all of his life: it was, indeed, impossible to control everything. Besides, if full control would have been possible, life would be much more boring. He chuckled himself: at least life with their band, especially with Paul, wasn’t dull at all - always full of surprises.

Soon, there was a faint knock on the door and Richard jumped right away to open it.

“Hallo,” Richard greeted and flashed a perfect smile. Of course, he had trusted that Paul was coming back, but still, there had been a slight worry that what if he had just left him alone for tonight. But now when Paul stood in front of him, the fears vanished completely.

“Hey handsome,” Paul answered and stepped in.

They both went straight to bed, without bothering to even shower anymore. Paul kept a polite distance which Richard ruthlessly broke by snuggling into his armpit.

When Richard noticed that the other man trembled, he got worried. “Paul, is everything alright? You can tell me if you feel uncomfortable.”

“Alles gut,” Paul answered and positioned his hand on his face. “Guess what, you can’t believe this…”

“What is it?”

Paul turned and Richard saw that he was laughing - it was a good sign as it seemed like he was getting into his cheerful self again. “That fucking…” Paul started and let out nervous giggles so adorably it melted Richard’s heart a bit, “phone is still in that freaking dressing room.”

Now, Richard couldn’t help a grin forming on his face as well. “W-whaat? You can’t be serious!”

“Yes. It’s neatly on that bench where I left it.” Paul looked straight at Richard’s eyes and tried to maintain a poker face. “Might be that I had something else to think about back then.”

Richard chuckled. “So, admit that I was right about what I said earlier.”

“Well, I have already forgotten what you said about me earlier…”

“I just said that,” Richard started and beamed at Paul, “you sure are oblivious, mein Liebling. And that’s one of the reasons you are so cute.” They both laughed.“But maybe we should be thankful for your phone. You never know would we even be here without it.” Richard positioned himself half on top of Paul and caressed his cheek. “Maybe it was destiny. Maybe we just needed the one last push and your phone was more than willing to help us.”

“Do you believe in it? In destiny?” Paul asked with a serious voice despite the playful tone Richard had when he had spoken.

“That’s an interesting topic to discuss about indeed, but to be honest, instead of philosophical talking, I just want to get some sleep now.”

They stared at each other in silence, admiring their eyes. Richard was about to say something about Paul’s fascinating eye color, but the words sounded so cheesy in his head that he preferred to remain silent. There was going to be a lot of time for poetic adoration later.

Eventually, Paul broke the stillness. “Damn it.”

When Richard raised an eyebrow, Paul continued: “Just that…” He blushed a little as he was uncertain about saying what he had in his mind. “I just realized that…I love you so much that it’s even difficult to comprehend.”

“I know Paulchen. I know,” Richard said with a dreamy look in his eyes. “And I love you too, _ mein Sonnenschein _. So much. Thank you for existing.”

“Maybe you should thank my parents in that case,” Paul joked and they both grinned.

“Perhaps. But now, I’d rather have some sleep than to call your parents.”

“That would be perfect.” Paul yawned and announced: “Good night, Reesh.”

“Good night for you too,” Richard said with pure honey in his voice. “Sweet dreams.”

“Same to you…” Paul mumbled before his breathing took a steady rhythm, a sign that he was dragged into the sweet oblivion. His sleeping skills were something Richard was jealous of as he was usually the one who just kept fidgeting restlessly in his bed.

But this time it seemed to be different: while he still kept hugging Paul, Richard’s eyes started to feel heavy as lead. His brain was slowly, but steadily leaving consciousness - he couldn’t even remember when the last time of falling asleep this easily had been, without constant distressing thoughts.

When Richard had won his Paulchen’s heart finally there was nothing to worry about - the future looked much brighter than it had been perhaps ever. There was something to wait for as their story was only in its beginning. And how thrilling it was to think about what kind of adventures they would encounter - _ together _.

_ I’m the luckiest man alive _, Richard thought before the sleep took him in its gentle embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyyy, the boys deserved some happiness, don't they? ^_~  
Hopefully it wasn't too confusing with all the inner conflicts and feelings. Thanks for reading this far, still one chapter to go.   
Kudos and comments are always the elixir of my writer life. ;)


	6. The tempest subsides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's time to wrap up this series with a long-ass last chapter!

Nothing was really wrong on that charming summer morning when four world-famous German musicians were enjoying their breakfast on the terrace of the hotel - only that their drummer cursed everything he could down to the most infernal pit known in the existence. The hangover had taken Schneider over and as it had been ages since the last time, it had hit him mercilessly. 

The drummer made a vow with himself: _ When fans next time offer me random colorful drinks, I politely refuse to take anything from them. _He thought that maybe it would be good to write it down, just in case he would slip from his promise in a weak moment. Admitting that aging meant that he wasn’t being in the best drinking fit anymore was surprisingly difficult. 

Schneider turned his head - which was a bad idea when his aching neck made a horrible crack - to face Flake next to him who also resembled a zombie. They looked at each other’s red eyes for a while - even though they didn’t share a word they both agreed silently on what was going on in their heads: _ I swear that was the last afterparty I am attending ever. _

Like a contrast to Schneider’s and Flake’s looks and moods, the ones who hadn’t attended to the merrymaking seemed to be perfectly fit for even running a marathon at this second. Oliver was reading a book about psychoanalysis in a difficult looking yoga pose, contently chewing his vegan breakfast while Till was busy with taking as much meat as he could from the buffet. Only their auras full of life made Schneider more nauseous. 

When Till came back to the table, his plate filled with glimmering, greasy bacon, Schneider almost threw up - the smell distracted his poor hangover meninges so badly that he couldn’t stand it anymore. He felt like all of his senses had been sharpened - not very practical in the already fragile state. “Could you just…eat that crap somewhere else?” He cleared his throat, almost gagging. “Please.”

Till took a look at their drummer and before he started his huge breakfast, he simply shook his head and stated: “It’s a perfect hotel buffet food so stop calling it crap. Of course, I can eat wherever I want so the answer is _ no _.” He was well aware of Schneider’s condition and was glad to annoy him - hangover was his own fault only. 

Before Schneider had arrived the singer had been gossiping with Flake about last night. Till had to admit he was a bit disappointed when he hadn’t attended the afterparty - it had sounded like the evening had been full of unpredictable events.

Considering what Flake had told about the weird acting of their guitarists it didn’t surprise Till that the duo hadn’t arrived at the breakfast. He supposed that they would see them next time in the plane - but in what mood, that was a mystery. _ I just hope that they are not having relationship arguments because otherwise, it’s gonna be a long trip home, _ Till wished in his mind. _ At least I have tons of podcasts to listen to in that case. _

Fixing his eyes on Schneider - who had a hard time moving a coffee mug with both of his shaking hands to his lips - Till asked: “Do you have any idea where are Paul and Reesh?”

“No idea, but hopefully they are still alive,” Schneider answered managing to take a sip from his coffee but spilling it a good amount on his shirt at the same time. “Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn!” he cursed, only meant to himself, but it was too loud not to be noticed.

“Seems like you guys had fun last night, am I correct?” Till asked and couldn’t help a grin forming on his face.

Schneider was being busy with wiping the coffee stains from his shirt so it was Flake who answered: “We had a good time yes, just that Paul wasn’t being himself and he just suddenly disappeared. If he doesn’t show any signs of life soon we have to call him just to make sure everything’s ok.”

“Interesting indeed. I can only wonder what might have been going on.” Till took a mouthful of bacon and without even bothering to swallow it, he was already continuing: “So if I have understood correctly, Paul disappeared after Reesh danced but was he acting strange even before?” 

Schneider came back to the table after he had used all of the napkins he could find. He leaned back on his chair and pressed his temples lightly - even that send piercing pain through his poor head. “Yup, that’s about it,” he replied. “We thought it was goofy when Reesh was so out of his usual self but Paul seemed super weird about it, almost freaked out. There must be something going on between them.” Hazy memories about something they had discussed with Paul about not talking to Richard came to Schneider’s mind but he couldn’t remember what he had said. _ I hope I didn’t scare him off. _

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Till stated. 

Nobody kept chatting anymore - just vague thoughts were swirling around. Schneider was relieved when he could rest his aching head for a while in silence when there weren’t any other hotel guests on the terrace. 

But their peace was soon interrupted when a small whistling figure approached the table. “Guten Morgen!” Paul exclaimed and Schneider felt like his headache just got worse. On the contrary to his last night’s look, their guitarist was beaming - seemed like the alcohol and staying up late hadn’t had any effect on him. 

“Nice to see you too but why in the hell are you suddenly like Herr Sonnenschein himself this morning?” the drummer asked bitterly.

Paul tried to ignore the sudden hot rush on his cheeks when Schneider had called him with the same name as Richard last night: _ Mein Sonnenschein _. “Last time when I checked, it wasn’t illegal to be in a good mood.” Paul smiled brightly and glanced at everyone around the table. “So, what’s up this morning?” He seemed to be his usual self again - like as last evening had never happened.

“We’re...fine,” Flake said, not mentioning anything about the terrible hangover. “But where’s Reesh, any signs of him after what happened? He was desperately looking for you. Did you get your phone back?”

“Well, about the phone...it’s a long story,” Paul said mysteriously. “And Reesh is still sleeping like a baby. I can tell you that it was impossible to wake him up even though I tried my best. He always complains that I’m the one who has to be woken up forcefully,” he said as it would have been the most normal thing in the universe that the two of them knew details about their sleeping patterns. 

Everybody stopped what they were doing and turned to look at Paul with question marks on top of their heads.

Till pointed at Paul with his fork. _ Now, this is getting interesting. _ “And may I ask, how do you know that? ” The singer tried his best to hide the amusement in his voice. “It almost sounds like you have...slept together.”

When Paul realized what had slipped from his mouth he got goosebumps. _ Nuts, perhaps I revealed too much already, verdammt... _“I just…assumed, he’s usually a late sleeper, and...stuff,” he tried to save himself, but from the looks of his bandmates’ he could see that they knew there was something fishy going on - especially when he had ignored Till’s last statement.

Standing up, Paul exclaimed exaggeratedly cheerfully: “Okay, maybe I’ll get something to eat!” In reality, he wasn’t hungry anymore so it was just an excuse to escape from the explaining.

But Paul didn’t manage to get that far as he heard a familiar voice behind him. “Guten Morgen, meine Freunde!” Richard looked like he’d had a fresh start for the morning - he had even put an effort to style his still wet hair after showering. 

Paul gulped for the sight and sat down, defeated. _ Shit, bad timing. _

“So here comes Mr. Sunshine number 2, how great…” Schneider mumbled silently when he saw the sight. 

Without saying anything further or explaining, Richard hugged Paul tightly from behind and _ yes _ , he smelled so good that Paul’s assumptions were correct. Richard would have also wanted to kiss his dear, but he stopped just before he was about to do it. _ Maybe it is still too much when we last night talked that we will proceed slowly now, _Richard thought.

Taking a chair and sitting right next to Paul Richard lightly touched the other man’s hand in secret under the table. At the same time, he tried to ignore the puzzled looks of the others but couldn’t help it. “Why do you look like you had just seen a ghost?” he asked and stroked his wet hair. “Has something happened or is there something on my face?”

The rest of the band kept staring at the couple. Schneider and Flake glanced at each other, with the eyes of _ what the fudge. _The duo in front of them looked very content with each other’s presence.

Leaning closer to Flake Schneider whispered: “Look at those two silly lovebirds. I’m sure they have been committing sins together last night.” 

Flake chuckled. “Maybe we just should listen to what they want to say before we make our assumptions. And to be honest, I prefer seeing them this way than how they were last evening.”

Even Till had stopped eating his breakfast - that was a sign that he was dumbfounded as well while usually, nothing could come between him and his precious bacon. “Just wondering that...is there something we should know?”

Richard raised an eyebrow. “And why do you think so?”

Turning his horrified eyes to Richard, Paul leaned closer to him and whispered so silently as he could: “Okay, now what? They look like they are suspecting...something. Are we that obvious? What should we say?”

Flashing a smile to his lover, Richard answered: “Don’t worry love, I’ll handle this.”

Till continued his speaking over Richard’s whispering: “Oh, just that the guys here told me that there were some...misunderstandings between you two so can I ask is everything now settled?”

Richard moved his hand to caress Paul’s thigh under the table while he asked: “What do you want to know, exactly?”

“Oh, c’mon Reesh,” Schneider pointed at them. “What the hell is going on? Last evening you were so scared of each other and suddenly you are like...” _ A married couple _, he added in his mind.

Paul rolled his eyes. _ Oh well, maybe there’s not backing up anymore, so let them know. _ “Maybe you should know that…” he started, but words were glued in his mouth.

There was an awkwardly silent pause - even a cough of the cook inside the restaurant sounded like an explosion. “Yes…?” Till asked impatiently waiting for the answer he probably already knew.

Richard looked at Paul with gentle eyes and squeezed his thigh, whispering: “We can tell just as much as you want, no pressure. I just have a feeling that -” 

“We are now together,” Paul burst out without any discretion and suddenly, the table cloth seemed to be the most interesting thing in this whole place as he couldn’t move his eyes from it anymore. Still, he could sense the curious gazes of the other guys - the stares felt like they could burn a hole into his soul.

A nervous chuckle escaped from Richard’s mouth. _ Okay, I didn’t expect that but I like this style. _ He was now having even more difficulties resisting kissing Paul in front of everyone. _ Shit Paulchen, you’re simply irresistible with your awkwardness. _

“What did you just say?” Schneider asked, his eyes wide with shock. _ I somehow knew this already, but can it be true? _

“You just heard what they said,” Flake responded. “Or do you want Paul to repeat it? He said they are _ together_. A couple. Two guys in -“

Schneider turned to Flake. “No shit Sherlock, of course, I heard but...I just can’t -”

Richard stood up like he was going to hold a wedding speech. “What Paul told you is true - yes, without more specified details, we are in a relationship and we just thought that it’s good for you to know so there wouldn’t be misunderstandings. Just please don’t spread the word as we don’t want this to come into public.”

When Richard remained standing everybody was fidgeting in their chairs - they didn’t know what to say or do.

“Yeah, but this won’t affect the tour anyhow or anything, it’s just our own business to handle,” Paul said and made shaky gestures with his hands, still too shy to look at anyone. “Everything will remain the same, don’t you worry about us.”

Till looked deathly serious. “Of course, this will affect everything.” He glanced two of them and added: “And _ everything _ will be changed from now on, I’m afraid.”

“W-what do you mean?” Paul stuttered. _ Shit, maybe this was too much too quickly. _

When Till saw both of their guitarists turning pale as ghosts he let out a chuckle and said: “It just means that you must kiss and interact on the stage when there’s nothing to stop you anymore. And it changes everything as the show is getting even better. Congratulations!”

~***~

Richard was secretly happy when their flight back to Berlin was delayed for technical difficulties - it meant extra time to spend with Paul. Neither of them could even remember when the last time doing nothing meaningful had been. Now they were able to take a lazy stroll around the city, do window shopping and sit in a park in silence, watching the people passing by - or in reality more looking at each other - and of course, getting Paul’s fateful phone back from the concert venue. 

When they came back to the hotel room they fell instantly on the bed, too lazy to get up anymore. They fed grapes to each other watching nonsense from the telly at the same time - just enjoying being around each other. While recalling stories from the past and marveling at how well the other guys had taken the information about their relationship, they were in a good mood. 

After a while, Richard finally shut the distracting tv down and came back next to Paul who was sitting on the bed. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, go ahead.”

Richard nodded and stared at his fingers making circles on the bedcover. “When did you noticed the first time that...you have feelings for me?”

The question didn’t come as a surprise as Paul knew they couldn’t avoid forever having a conversation about their feelings. After last night’s mess, he had decided that from now on he wanted to be honest to Richard. “Well, I can’t recall an exact date or anything, but…maybe at this point I can reveal that I’ve had at least a crush on you...since the early days.” He let out a shaky chuckle.

Richard turned his widened eyes to Paul. “R-really?”

“Yeah,” Paul said avoiding the other man’s amazed gaze. He looked so insecure that Richard felt a warm rush passing through his body - he would have wanted to take Paul into his embrace but instead, he patiently kept listening to what the other man wanted to tell. 

“I tried to ignore it, bury it somewhere but...as you may have noticed it hasn’t worked very well.” Looking dreamily at the distance Paul continued: “I remember the first time when we met at that band practice that you were so frightening yet so fascinating. When you accepted me as a member of the band, I was more than happy - seriously, I was so flattered. Since then I was sure that there was more in you than just the arrogant, tough shell you tried to maintain.”

“Yeah, sorry about me being an asshole back then,” Richard said shyly when he thought about his younger self. “Even though it shouldn’t be used as an excuse, I was going through some rough times. You came in my life just like ordered.” He had to admit that since their first encounters it had made him uneasy that Paul seemed to see right through him - it was simply impossible to lie or hide anything from him.“Honestly, I just don’t know where I would have ended up without you or any of the guys. My life back then was so fucked up. I...I could almost say that you saved me.”

“You were dear to me right from the start as well. And it wasn’t your fault that your life was a mess,” Paul said, his genuine smile reaching the corners of his eyes. “You really are a survivor Reesh, look what you have achieved despite the rocky start.”

“Thanks,” Richard mumbled and cursed mentally when he couldn’t help but blush for Paul’s kind words.

After getting distracted by Richard’s adorable shyness, Paul gathered himself back and continued: “But yeah, what was I about to say...well, I tried to ignore my fondness for you as I wasn’t sure what you were thinking. I was so scared to ruin our friendship, so I just tried to...act normally when you were around, but fuck, it was difficult, nearly impossible.”

“I can say only the same from you,” Richard whispered.

Paul proceeded: “Always when we worked together, I desperately needed your validation and when I wasn’t around you, I kept daydreaming about you constantly. The culmination was perhaps this spring when…” 

When there wasn’t any continuation Richard got worried - he desperately wanted to know what Paul was about to say so he burst out unintentionally imperatively: “When what?”

“Forget it, it’s just so dumb....and it’s in the past already,” Paul said and scratched the back of his neck. “Nevermind, let’s talk about something else.”

Richard took Paul’s hands and looked at him with begging eyes. “You already started. I’m dying in curiosity so please, tell me. I have too many embarrassing things to tell about my feelings towards you so yours can’t be that bad.”

_I can’t say no to those puppy eyes, goddammit._ “Fine then…” Paul took a deep breath and started: “That day when you wanted to show me your tour outfits I knew that this is _it_, I was falling for you so badly. I didn’t know what to do or how to be and it was so unpleasant and embarrassing. I didn’t have the slightest clue what you were thinking about me...and the worst of all, I was so fucking ashamed when I accidentally called you…” His stomach made flips when he even thought about that bizarre day. “Sexy...it just kinda slipped…”

Richard grinned. “There’s no reason to be ashamed of it, I was flattered.”

Paul ignored what Richard had just said and continued his rambling: “But holy shit, I can admit now that the image of you wearing those goddamn boots and all that black and red leather haunted me for days.” _ And it still does, you gorgeous little bastard, _ he added in the safety of his mind.

“I’m glad you liked the outfit. I thought you were just making fun of my fashion sense,” Richard said in a bitter tone, meant to tease Paul.

“Well, I tried to hide my crush but it was pretty freaking difficult when _ somebody _ decided to kiss me without any prior warning.” Paul shook his head. “Seriously, now when I think about it, why were we so awkward? And did we think it was normal to act like that around a friend? Did we already know there was perhaps something else going on?”

They both laughed - afterward, it sounded ridiculous when they had been acting like teenage girls. Paul’s story reminded Richard about something he wanted to tell as well: “Well, here comes my confession: I kinda lost it when I saw you with your outfit as well. I thought that: ‘Why does he keep getting sexier by every year, this is not fair.’ I couldn’t resist you anymore.” He felt a clutch in his stomach when he was thinking about the situation: them both in the tight dressing room, Paul scanning him from head to toe. Back then Richard had believed that Paul had been frightened but now the pieces of the puzzle started to fit. “And when you called me _ sexy _ what else could I have done than give you a smooch?”

A sly smile was forming on Paul’s face. “Can you explain to me that if you thought I was attractive then why did you call me a ‘hipster elf’ if my memory serves me right?”

Shrugging his shoulders Richard said: “I was distracted by you, so I tried to act as witty as I could to hide the embarrassing fact that I was crushing hard.” He lowered his voice and added: “In case you want to know why it took me so goddamn long to dress up and put my makeup was that I wanted to look perfect for you. For anyone else, I wouldn’t have even cared but for you only the best, always.”

Even though recalling the weird incident was amusing them, Paul had to admit that other kinds of feelings were arising inside him as well. He looked at Richard with tender eyes. “Sorry, that I was so awkward and laughed at you. I didn’t know what was going on and I was freaking nervous myself. I thought after the incident that it would be perhaps better to keep a distance from you so you wouldn’t have considered me as a weird pervert.”

“I didn’t consider you like that, the complete opposite actually. As I said, it’s in the past now, so doesn’t matter.” Richard put his hand on Paul’s cheek and caressed it gently. “What matters is what we have _ now _.”

If it would have been physically possible, Paul would have purred to the sensation of the warm hand on his face. “By the way, have I ever told you what Till said to me that time when you threatened to quit the whole band?” he asked.

Richard felt a hot rush on his cheeks as another embarrassing moment involving him was mentioned. “No, what did he say then?”

“He told me: ‘You two clearly have something special going on.’ When I think about it now he might have seen what we have even earlier than we wanted to admit our feelings.”

They studied each other’s eyes for a while, Paul desperately wondering should he dare to give a quick kiss for Richard - still freaked out about his cocky acting last night, he was scared that things might escalate if he was pushing too much. He wanted to let Richard set the pace.

Like an answer for Paul’s pondering, Richard leaned closer. He stopped for a second and glanced at Paul’s eyes and lips, asking for permission - like he had been reading his lover’s mind. 

_You are welcome. Any time, _Paul thought and without saying anything he pressed his lips gently on Richard’s - the other man responded immediately. This time, they weren’t seeking attention because of mere lust and desire - more for appreciation and mutual trust.

When they withdrew from the kiss both of them sighed audibly still being close to each other. Richard cupped Paul’s cheeks. “The tour doesn’t scare me anymore when I know you are by my side.” He tilted his head and had to blink his eyes when a sudden rush of sensitivity surprised him. “It makes me incredibly happy when I can say out loud how...much I love you.”

“I love you too,” Paul stated without hesitation when he wiped a single tear from Richard’s cheek. “So freaking much that there aren’t words in any language to describe it.” 

Paul pressed his forehead against Richard’s and they remained there quiet for a while, eyes closed - just listening to the steady rhythm of their breathing, enjoying the warmth of each other.

Eventually, Paul backed up when he had something on his mind. “I just still can’t believe it.”

“Believe what?” Richard asked and slowly opened his eyes.

“That the media, fans, and everyone is praising you and still…” Placing his hand on Richard’s chest Paul continued: “You seem to prefer my company over anyone. This all seems like a dream and if it is, I’m sure I don’t want to wake up ever.”

“I’d choose you over anything, any time. I’d give up everything just to be with you and to make you happy,” Richard said, wistfulness in his tone even though he tried to force a smile on his face. He rested his hand on Paul’s. “Because _ you _ make me feel so much more content than any wealth, fame or success ever could.” 

The smile started slowly to fade away as an unpleasant thought popped up into Richard’s mind - a shadow fell on his face. “To be completely honest, all that hype tends to make me uncertain more than proud of myself. I feel like...I don’t deserve any of this.”

Figuring out from his lover’s face Paul had a feeling that this topic was still sensitive. “May I ask, why?”

“I don’t know.” It was a white lie as Richard knew why but he was just too ashamed to speak about it out loud - he didn’t want the atmosphere to get oppressive because of his eternal inner struggles. 

Paul waited patiently before Richard had gathered his thoughts and continued: “It’s like...you seem to be so natural around fans and you couldn’t care less what the media thinks about us but I’m not sure how I should be. What are they expecting? It feels like throwing myself to greedy lions.” He stopped for a second when a new concern came to his mind. “And now when we are together, I can’t help it that I’m anxious about what will happen if our relationship is revealed to the public. To be honest, I wouldn’t even want to tell about it to anyone except for the closest of our friends. The last things I want to see are trashy headlines or social media rumors. Not because I’m scared of myself, just that I don’t want them to hurt you anyhow.”

“We don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want. It can be our own business. Work is work but outside it, we can do whatever we want. We are not anyone’s puppets, for Christ’s sake,” Paul stated and smiled. “You don’t have to worry about me, I can take care of myself. All that matters is that you feel good and safe.”

Richard kept staring at the bedcovers when he said silently: “I don’t get it how you can be so calm. I’m almost jealous. How can you be so natural always around everyone and couldn’t care less about anyone’s opinions?”

“It’s not a magic trick,” Paul said, taking Richard’s hands and squeezing them reassuringly, “I’m just being myself, that’s all.”

“Exactly. That is something I can’t do.” Richard sighed. “I just...feel like people are expecting to see a world-class rockstar of their fantasies, ready to fulfill all of their expectations. Instead, they will be introduced to a dull middle-aged guy from even more dull Germany who is still at his fifties unsure of himself and how to be around people.” He squeezed Paul’s hands even tighter and added: “I’m incapable of giving them what they want and it bothers me. A lot.” He gulped. “Will I be even capable of giving _ you _ what you want?”

Paul shook his head. “Honey, you are so terribly wrong.” He came closer to his lover and took him by his shoulders, looking at him straight in the eyes when he stated with a firm voice: “You should know that what people are expecting is not a rockstar, they want to see a real person behind the mask. Yes, there are always assholes, but we should just learn to ignore them. We all appreciate and support you. I will be by your side, no matter what is the case.”

“You know how I am, I just can’t help it,” Richard whispered and blinked back the unpleasant pressure of the upcoming tears from his eyes. “I always care about too much what the others think. It’s like a neverending curse.”

“You are perfectly enough as you are, believe me,” Paul said and took Richard in his embrace. “And most importantly, you are mine and I am yours. You fulfill everything I need just by existing.”

Hiding his sniffling, Richard mumbled to Paul’s shoulder: “Thank you Paul. For everything.”

~***~

Late in the evening, the guys had managed to convince poor Flake - suffering from severe aerophobia - that it was just normal maintenance work that had caused the flight delay so the journey back home could finally begin. Four days of rest and then it was back to touring again. 

Everyone was exhausted and it could be sensed from the atmosphere of the plane - they kept minding their own business instead of joking or chatting. Paul tried to read a newspaper but instead, he kept dozing off ending up falling asleep in a very uncomfortable looking position which Richard found cute. Gently, he took the newspaper - which was almost falling to the floor from Paul’s lap - and positioned his lover more comfortably on the bench. Automatically, Paul rested his head on Richard’s shoulder, sighed contently and started breathing in a steady rhythm. 

Richard wrapped his arm around Paul and with the free one, he drew an ancient journal out of his bag. Flipping the pages of forgotten poems, lyrics and rants he started writing on the first blank page he found.

_ In fairytales, the princess always finds her prince and they live happily ever after while the whole kingdom celebrates. _

_ That has never been my case though - not even close. _

_ Too many sleepless nights, rolling in my bed, wondering, what the hell is wrong in me as I always fail in my relationships. Do I even deserve anybody? Do I just end up hurting everybody with my bare existence? _

_ I had been starting to accept my fate: perhaps, I was just destined to be a loner for the rest of my days. Richard Kruspe, the world-famous guitarist, who still was unable to form a relationship that didn’t end up in disaster - getting old lonely and grumpy, just hoping that his kids would have a better life. Not very flattering, but what can you do. Born failure, always a failure, I had convinced myself. At least I would always have music by my side. _

Richard put the pen to the side when painful emotions started to flood. _ Shit, why it always has to go to this? Oh well, it doesn’t even matter when nobody is supposed to see it. _

Taking a deep breath and rubbing his glossy eyes he continued even though the text sounded like an old man’s ranting in his opinion. 

_ But as unbelievable it seems, destiny had other plans for me. The solution, the key to the lock, has been so close yet so far. I keep wondering how I have been so blind. _

Glancing at the napping Paul in his arm, a warm feeling filled Richard’s body and soul. He embraced the other man even more tightly.

_ It’s still impossible to realize that my dreams had become true. I can’t remember the time when I was this happy - if ever. _

_ The buried feelings that burst out on that one hazy night: I’ll remember them forever. _

_ The person, who I’ve been considering my best friend, seems like has changed into my lover. _

He stopped for a while, digesting the word. _ Lover. _It came out so naturally.

_ I honestly have no idea what has happened and even in my wildest dreams, I wouldn’t have expected it will end up to this. _

_ I will do my best, everything, to make sure to make him happy and to protect him at all costs. _

_ Because over the glory, success and wealth, Paul Landers is the only one who matters now. _

~***~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, it's over now and I feel kinda emotional...
> 
> When I started this series right after I had the concert hype, I would have never imagined it's going to end up like this. My first idea was to write only cute short stories, but as I proceeded it started to become more and more serious. Then I just decided that, heck, if it's going like this, then I'll just let it live its own life.
> 
> Writing is constant learning by mistakes with its ups and downs. I've had days when I have just wanted to throw my laptop out of the window, screaming: "I'll quit, nobody will ever read this garbage. What the hell am I even doing?"  
On those moments I know that I need a break, thinking about something else for a couple of days, even weeks - the inspiration can't be forced. Life as a perfectionist is never easy, but you can't give up for it when it hits you harshly - otherwise, you can never do anything as the fact is that you can never be perfect. 
> 
> There's some kind of artistic madness inside me as I just can't help but come back always. At first, I might struggle and writing is stiff - I feel like I have regressed into a 10-year-old with sloppy sentences and dull words, mixed with English and my native language. But as I proceed, the inspiration starts slowly crawling back - and what is the best feeling in this entire universe is that when I get into the flow and forget the time and space. Then I feel like I have achieved something, I'm actually good at something - I don't even care what other people think when I reach that good mood.
> 
> I'm more than grateful for you all the lovely people in this fandom - without you, I would have never even finished this. As my friend wisely once said that you write for yourself, but publish for the others and if nobody's even noticing you, then it doesn't make any sense to make anything. Our humanbeings' most basic need is to be noticed and be supported as we can't live our lives entirely our own.
> 
> I want to thank all the frequent readers, commenters, silent stalkers and even you who might have opened my work and realized that it's not your cup of tea - you still gave it a chance.
> 
> And always when you feel like you want to ramble about fics, fandoms or anything, drop me a message on Tumblr (either my mainblog hanhan156 or my Rammstein trashbin hanramm156). I'm more than happy to chat. Also, I'm interested to see, comment and betaread other people's works, so just send them my way in case you need second opinions. I know myself very well how freaking annoying it is to just write alone when you tend to get blind to your own stuff.
> 
> Okay, enough rambling, so one more time: thousand times thank you! Keep up creating the amazing content you all!


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